A Valentines Story….Part 4

Y’all still here? Ok great.

Like I said, this may get long. Really long.

Fast forward to the fall of 2014. October I believe it was. I told my dad he can tell Josh it’s a yes.

I was sick to my stomach for weeks leading up to and after I made my decision to start dating. The thought of not dating and dating Josh seemed both equally as terrifying. One just seemed a little less lonely. I had no peace in life about anything. No peace with God. I was gradually getting more and more ill. More hormone problems… no cycles… constant hunger and fatigue… depression…weight gain.

But the fear of making a wrong decision and being left along ( not dating ) trumped the fear of doing the wrong thing by dating.

So we started dating.

We kept it just between our families and close friends for a few months until I turned 18 and then we officially started dating in December of 2014.

We would fly back and forth and visit. He was still in Pa, I was in MT. We had good times and fun times. He was always the kindest most loving gentleman. To be treated like this for the first time in my life started bringing me back to life. But it was very scary.

He would always listen as I heaved and sobbed my fears and worries, my doubts, and struggles. I told him the constant struggle of me being so afraid i’m doing the wrong thing and not having peace about dating. But I didn’t have clear peace about stopping either. It was all a really confusing mess and there are details that I don’t feel free to share involving others but we made the decision to continue dating even though both of us felt we should perhaps take a break for a short while.

I was no where near emotionally and spiritually stable enough to be dating or in a relationship. I was emotionally shut down and couldn’t have fun with out having this big dramatic emotional talk about all the things I feel and that are bothering me and blah blah blah. Being together was just exhausting.

There were times I would notice things in him that were major red flags but in my fear and my own emotionally baggage I felt so ill-equipped to even talk to him about it. I knew he was dealing with so much just by dating me that I felt it would be so hurtful and offensive to talk about things that bother me about him. I felt like I was 1000% the problem.

It left Josh feeling unloved and unwanted. And I was just terrified. About everything. Terrified about him. Terrified about losing him. Ugh, it was such a mess.

I remember one day specifically crying so hard, kneeling over my bed, begging God to give me an answer if I should keep dating or not. My ceilings were made of cement that day and there was offensive silence I felt from heaven.

I remember getting up off my knees and making the decisions that I believe that God is so loving that he wants to give me this relationship and wants to see me happy and that I chose to believe that I won’t be eternally dammed If I continue this relationship.

There were two extreme voices from people that were close to both of us. “ Stay together- it’ll be fine, just make a fresh start.” “ You guys should break up, you still both have a lot to learn”.

We were confused to say the least. So when you’re confused, hurt, scared, and shut down emotionally what better thing to do that… GET ENGAGED!?…..